PRE-RAMBLE: Spring has well and truly sprung, and as usual it is a time for warm reflection, and gentle future planning. This has simultaneously been one of the most peaceful and boring years of my life, as well as one of heartbreaking growth and change. Majority of this peace can be pinned fair and square on my people and my environment, to which I will once again mention how much I love and owe them for the people we are consistently shaping each other into. The rest of this peace is a new kind I have never experienced before which I am going to pin on the fact that I am finally reaching the point in my years long mental health journey where it is no longer about survival, but recovery, and I have the skills/tactics to not be in eternal freakout mode.
Which brings me to today's blog post which is both an ode to my improvement and a plea to the public to be more gentle to me, and others like me.
ALSO THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME CONFUSION ABOUT HOW MUCH EFFORT I AM PUTTING INTO THESE POSTS??
I quite literally set a timer for an hour, shuffle my spotify and see what I'm feeling passionate about, proofread, post.
This post was (very apologetically) requested, but there was no need to be sorry these aren't very planned - the more requests the better!
This is the playlist I am shuffling/listening to for this week:
It is a compilation of songs that I always come back to when I need to regulate or validate some of my sadder episodes. maybe you can use them for regulating yourself, or to get into the mind of someone you care about a bit more 🙂
P.S. I did not put any Miley Cyrus in here but her whole discography is BPD coded so go give that a listen too - AHA!
“You’re not like her though,”
Why Not?…
The words scratch at the back of my throat with the texture of a jagged foil ball as I crumple them up and swallow them; blood and all.
“You would never do something like that.” She chuckles, ending her story and answering my unspoken question with the same breath.
I want to scream, I want to kick, I want to smash something and laugh out loud while I tell her she has no idea who I am–
I want to prove everyone who ends their stories about their ‘friend of a friend’ with BPD the same way so wrong they never speak without thinking again.
Instead, I smile and nod, ignoring the taste of metal that drips behind my teeth.
I am 21 years of age and I currently possess a diagnoses list of Autism, ADHD, & BPD. I have been extremely lucky in my treatment being seen by the same psychiatrist for almost my entire adolescence, and then being seen (for the most part) in my adult years by another singular psychiatrist; both of whom have names that are generally immediately recognised and respected by other doctors and medical staff I have interacted with over the course of my treatment processes.
I recognise that I am part of a very small percentage to receive an early BPD diagnosis, and part of an even smaller percentage to be in talks of remission prior to my 30s or 40s. This is largely owed to the immense amounts of love and forgiveness I have been repeatedly shown by the people closest to me that has allowed me to realise that I am safe and I am loved; regardless of who I am, where I am or how I feel. The rest of this is owed to the incredible luck I have experienced and generosity given in regards to accessing and affording adequate treatment and care.
[click for a secret]
[some of this could also be owed to my previously acknowledged 500+ spotify playlists]
They are all immensely proud of how far I have come, and how much further I will go.
I am proud of me, too. I am also frustrated by the stigma I am still combatting on a regular basis.
I used to have the reputation of someone who was angry, volatile, unpredictable…
These days the worst thing people have to say about me is usually that I am loud, and my reputation is that of someone who is unrelentingly kind, funny, and reliable.
Sometimes, it’s almost like the person I used to be is dead- no matter how long myself or others spend reaching back to find her.
If I am honest with you, I don’t think she will be found, as much as I dream about resurrecting her and allowing her to act out as much as she wants so everyone around me can see just how much I am keeping crammed inside, there are no reasons for her to come back (she was only there to protect me and there is nothing to be scared of anymore).
DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD
- A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) or the following:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating
between extremes of idealisation and devaluation - Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)
- Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper,
constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
BPD is often caused by the same levels of trauma that trigger a C-PTSD diagnosis.
I don’t remember where I heard it or how reliable it was, but, allegedly, you are either born with a brain that will develop BPD or C-PTSD under intense traumatic distress, but you won’t know which until it’s happened.
I remember how disgusting and dejected I felt the day I received my diagnosis, I had never seen anything good in the media about fictional characters with BPD, and I had absolutely no hope that I was ever going to hear a good story about anyone REAL or ALIVE with the disorder. My life hadn’t even started and I felt like it was over.
There is lots of public discussion and shaming about the actions and behaviours of people with BPD, a minuscule amount of it engages positively or with people who possess lived experience around the topic.
I know this because if there was…the narrative wouldn’t be all wrong.
At first glance, the diagnostic criteria come across as pretty intense, and paired with that story your brother told you about his ex with BPD or the story your friend told you about her old friend who totally lost the plot and blew shit up, it would make sense to be afraid of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder heading in your direction.
However, some crucial information missing from this discussion (that anyone with lived experience would be able to relay to you) is that 9 times out of 10, the actions and behaviours we (people with BPD) display under distress is reactive abuse towards the hostile environment we are currently placed in, and we are frantically trying to protect ourselves against real threats, if this is an ongoing situation our brains can reach a point where we are no longer able to differentiate between safe VS. unsafe and lashing out towards people who aren’t causing harm (or perceived threats) can begin.
The cruel part of this is that the most effective treatment for people who have received a diagnosis of BPD (alongside medication and therapy) is being involved in stable and healthy interpersonal relationships.
Anyone who has ever loved someone with BPD knows that it comes with challenges (note: see how I do not call it hard. My friends with BPD are some of the most empathetic, loyal and easiest people to love I know it just takes a little adjustment).
I know there have been times I have tested those around me in unbelievable and unforgivable ways that I would never even dream of repeating; at the time, I would have told you it was because I could not believe that the love I was receiving was genuine unless they were willing to put up with X, Y, Z and if they weren’t willing to tolerate X, Y, Z for whatever reason that meant to me they were just as bad as those who had abused me before, and I was at risk of abuse again…Ta-Da Episode Time!!
DISCLAIMER: This is an explanation, not an excuse! Obviously, you know your limits, and what is safest and best for you if someone you know with BPD is consistently creating unsafe, unhealthy, or toxic/abusive situations and you have worked with them to fix it with no signs of effort or improvement, you are allowed to remove yourself from the relationship guilt-free.
Now- instead of testing my loved ones, I am able to verbalise my feelings and the wants and needs based around them in a way that is productive and healthy for all involved parties. This is not to say I don’t still act out, and they don’t still occassionally make mistakes; but through trial and error we have learnt that the best things you can do for a loved one with BPD who is experiencing an episode are actually quite simple:
- Provide reassuring statements about how you are not going to (intentionally) harm the person in meltdown and when they are feeling up to it you would love to help create an environment safe enough to deal with the problem and then give them some space to work through the emotions on their own. Maybe even leave them with some cold water, food, or a small reminder to reach out. The shame and exhaustion after an episode can be heavy and add extra emotional layers to work through. It is embarrassing not being in control of yourself.
- If the situation allows, there is nothing that calms me down quicker and makes me feel more safe than a hug from a trusted person, use your discretion for this tactic. Obviously.
- Open and Direct communication as much as possible, this includes boundaries from parties on both ends on things that may be triggering or unacceptable, or having preventative measures set in place and established when of sound and happy mind to make things smoother and more efficient for meltdowns and episodes. Everytime we are upset we are reliving everytime we have been triggered all at once, untangling it in the moment can be complicated. Having prior awareness helps speed up De-Escalation.
- Play! Having fun is extremely trust building and creates safe spaces to share vulnerable information, this can also help accelerate remission as we begin to associate other people with less paranoia inducing scenarios.
- Don’t put all the burden of education onto them, seriously- it’s pretty easy to type “BPD” or “loved one with BPD” into google.
- Patience. We are trying, so hard, i promise.
Every situation is different, and it should never be any single person’s responsibility to support another single person, so it could be helpful to regularly check-in and make sure your BPD loved one is still receiving outside help; but at the end of the day validating our emotions and being there to offer a hug in trying times can be the difference between us achieving remission and stability or becoming that story you tell in 5 years from now at a houseparty.
Media is constantly demonising us, we are continually demonising ourselves, just one outside voice that tells us we are not dangerous and that shows us with their actions that they are not afraid of what we might do could literally save our lives. Be that voice. Listen to us. Learn from us. Love us. We have so much to give you in exchange ❤
That is all from me this week, catch you next Sunday, and if you’re sick of having to tap through all that Instagram spam to see when I’ve posted- I totally understand and I have added back the email subscription box below if you would prefer to get a notification straight to your inbox than laugh at memes and dote on my cats with me 😉
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