Pre-Ramble: UTS finally took me seriously - hooray!! While they still have a VERY LONG way to go before they can rightfully advertise themselves as progressive (like not waiting almost 3yrs and several violent incidents to take me seriously but I digress) I didn't realise how deep the stress of the situation had been affecting other areas of my life so as an expression of my gratitude at finally being able to breath we have a more chilled out and less lengthy blog this week!
(also shoutout to Blanch for being unstoppably staunch - wrote about u in part of a piece the other day expressing acknowledgment for ur unwavering support but don't currently plan on publishing it I just want you to know it exists if you eva read this)
Before we get started -here is a sneak peek of an upcoming bonus blog that will be posted outside of the regular Sunday schedule and with a longer + more detailed & contextualised list:
It is common knowledge that a trait of autism can be ‘black and white thinking’ which is essentially being unable to differentiate between situational contexts that may or may not allow for societal expectation and rule adjustments; often resulting in a rigid and unchanging moral code*.
[*This rigid and unchanging moral code also has a trait name ‘Sense of Justice’ which is regularly misconstrued as exclusively altruistic – it can be equally as self-serving. It depends on the person and where they fall on the spectrum.]
As with any spectrum there is a less commonly discussed and acknowledged flip side of that trait – which is where I sit.
Every. Single. Thing. Ever. Is. To. Be. Considered. On. An. Individual. Case. By. Case. Basis.
I do think that a lot of the intensity in how I experience this particular trait can also be attributed to the way I was raised and the multi-faceted aspects of my identity:
A radical left-wing Blak household paired with a constant need to protect yourself physically and emotionally as a result of being the dictionary definition of eccentric (also i guess an intersectional minority) definitely exacerbated the ways I express this to something that can occasionally come across borderline vigilante and questionably insane from an outside or uninvolved perspective.
I have too many real world things to focus on like paying my bills, doing my chores, completing my study and loving my friends to put as much effort towards masking as I used to; so, lately, I have been displaying equivalent levels of this behaviour to a manic 16yr-old-girl. I, however, am not manic* at this current point in time – and only people new to my life have expressed concern or shock at my sudden and passionate constant void screaming. Everyone else (who has already been around for a while) is fully aware that sometimes a bitch (lily) just gotta yap and she will be ‘normal’ again soon.
[*you would KNOW if i was – true god]
Feel free to correct if I am wrong but this has been my first public yap-sesh as an adult living out of home and it has come with a lot of (for lack of a better word) frustrating learning curves about the state of the average Australian Citizen.
Why are none of youse cunts curious about anything!?!
This is my first and primary grievance!
My whole life people have referred to me as smart and intelligent and prior to starting ADHD medication that was the one quality of mine I was never able to self-identify and was forced to trust people on.
Since changing my ADHD treatment into a style that works- I have finally been able to occasionally feel as smart as people insist I am. Having a clear enough mind to finish a thought, a book or a work/uni task AND not be constantly accidentally interrupting yourself and others is a huge self-esteem improvement.
You will still never catch me dead describing myself as smart; funny, loquacious and honest are my go-tos. I have always believed that nearly everyone in the right circumstances has the capability to be equally as intelligent as myself – in any multitude of previously untapped areas of potential and that there are many more people alive way smarter than I will ever be.
Lately, though, I have been doubting myself on this and I might have to concede that I have been incorrect. It remains yet to be seen if this is a matter of the abysmal Australian Education Systems paired with our majority (functionally) illiterate adult population, rampant misinformation spreading on social media, a lack of empathy + interests outside of self, just plain dumbassery that cannot be fixed or any combination of the above mixed with any other reasons I am yet to consider.
I have been extremely lucky to return to living alone earlier this year, and in this time spent with myself, I have been able to feel more stable and comfortable inside my head than I have in years. I have been utilising my built in skill-sets of Autism + being the token fire sign friend to curate both a cosy hangout space for my friends when they visit but also safe-haven for myself that makes getting to go to bed one of my favourite parts of every day.
Something that you do not realise until you are living alone is how much of your daily 24hrs is consumed by roommate or roommate adjacent activities and once you find yourself roommate-less you will need to get creative in filling time.
I fill my time a few different ways.
One of those ways has been reading. I have an insatiable desire to learn and I am always asking questions, researching things and tracking down obscure book titles to help me with this hunger. I am aware that my need for consumption of knowledge is to the extreme.
I was *not* aware that 75% of people in any given location just don’t possess the curiosity to ask “Why?” about legitrally anything.
On top of this I didn’t realise not having curiosity on anything is usually because
- Best Case: Person in question is content with the information presented to them and doesn’t wonder about source authenticity.
- Worse Case: Person in question is content to live life not seeking out anything new to learn or do.
This to me sounds like a boring life, honestly.
A potentially dangerous one, too, with the way social media and news orgs have been devolving in their accuracy and human decency.
I am not here this week to write a ThinkPiece (or at least not a long one, anyway). I think I just needed to express my latest autistic discovery – the last of which that was of any note being that DID YOU KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPECIFICALLY BUY COFFEE WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO COFFEE!! THE WHOLE CAFE MENU IS AN OPTION!!! I NEVER HAD TO START DRINKING COFFEE AHHH!!
This week I am just here to recommend taking advantage of the boundless amounts of information available to you. The world becomes far less scary and hostile when you begin to expand the boundaries of what is unknown.
For instance, my political ideology is fairly aligned with socialism and anarchism and sometimes when I mention this the reactions are that of uncertainty and fear.
Anarchy does not mean chaotic in it’s political definition- and if you were to google this instead of become anxious about the tiny woman standing in front of you identifying as an anarchist – you would realise that I have already been demonstrating Anarchic behaviour.
Anarchists believe that we do not need to have a government or established hierarchy of power to have a functioning and safe society; and that if we place trust in the people around us we would be able to manage and function happily and healthily within the communities we currently live (under the current mainstream ideology of capitalism we remain largely estranged from our neighbours and this is far scarier to me, personally).
Every time I drop everything to give a friend a lift
Or I pay for someone a few dollars short at the store
Or I resolve conflict without police intervention
I am demonstrating my anarchism and there is nothing hostile or unorganised about it.
Which leads me to my second and last autistic sponsored grievance for this weeks post:
Youse cunts are wayy tooo comfy assuming things!
As I have an increasingly long list of more important things to be directing my energy towards; I have been masking in public social situations less and less.
I have always been possibly too acutely aware of how others are perceiving me…again I am on the end of the spectrum* that is too in-tune with emotions as opposed to being clueless…
[*My last fun not adhering to stereotypical autist behaviour is that I am sensory SEEKING rather than avoidant which is why you will catch me as close to the barricade or speakers as possible at any live music event]
Not only does it never cease to amaze how not in-tune some neurotypical people can be with their emotions; it will never cease to amaze me the lack of hesitation neurotypical people have attaching non-existent + unintended implications to my very direct and clear statements and actions.
I take everything that is said to me at face-value and I do not embed things between the lines of what I am saying.
My latest university incident that triggered last weeks post did involve more serious and worrying content to it, but, part of it was due to this.
Meanings were attached to my words that they do not have in the dictionary and did not have coming out of my mouth- nor was any effort towards clarification attempted which resulted in an escalation of the conflict at hand that I could not pinpoint the reasoning behind at the time until people uninvolved or by-standing had no issue doing independently of my presence to defend or clarify myself afterwards. These conversations made it to me through the grapevine and if anyone involved would like to know what happened and hasn’t enquired already, you know where to find me.
If I am masking there are less unintended implications added to my statements.
When I don’t mask my tone becomes quite blunt and my body movements quite wide and fast. I have observed two things about this:
- It inevitably results in more unintended meanings attached to what I am saying or doing than if I attempted tone
- Men & Straight or White Women can say and do the exact same things in the exact same tone and no one is calling them hostile or twisting their words against them.
I have an essay coming up on it so I will not expand overly on this post but often in the absence of men in a room Blak Women or Dykes get pinned with the weight of their damaging patriarchal actions and lingering presence.
I am sure that part of this is to do with my first grievance – a lack of curiosity about our lived experiences and mannerisms as real people outside of media.
Regardless of the psychology behind it- we are very rarely able to reasonably defend ourselves without being pinned as angry or unaware of the full situational context at hand.
Next time a lesbian, a First Nations person or literally any person of any identity marker says something and your initial reaction is disgust, distrust, fear etc. take a moment to unpack that internally. Trust – not every (in fact, likely very few) Blak Dyke who is experiencing frustration wants to kick your cunt in.
Then, if you are still feeling a little ignorant and bigoted- take a leaf out of my book:
ASK WHAT THEY MEANT AND INTENDED!
You will find 9 times out of 10 this results in a pleasant and civil conversation that leaves everyone feeling more heard and understood than the alternative of accusations or endless confusion.
My intention is never to harm anyone and if we were educating ourselves on disability or initiating conversations about it directly, this would be obvious to many more than it currently is.
We (unfortunately) live in an era of (dystopian) globalisation; where it is becoming more and more normalised everyday to isolate and live in fear. I hear people on an almost daily basis talking about how lonely they feel- despite being on social media all day every day. That is the exact problem!
There is less and less authentic and human interaction in our day-to-day activities, even saying “Hi, how are you?” to the cashier has been replaced with self-serve robots.
I am my own best-friend at the end of the day so I am certain that even if I did tragically lose my entire support network; i would manage to not be lonely.
But for the rest of you!!!
Go Outside.
Talk to strangers.
Ask questions.
Drop-in instead of texting.
Give the intimidating stranger the benefit of the doubt.
Because if you don’t: the alternative is more fear and more anger and more loneliness.
There are less differences between yourself and the homeless man on your work commute or the genderqueer person in the classroom than there are between yourself and the influencers and celebrities whose lifestyles you emulate and aspire towards.
We are on your side in the class war hell of Patriarchal Capitalism, to start.
I will see you all next week back on yapping duty, was giving our brains a rest week with this post.
In the meantime I want you all to go explore at least one interaction that makes you uncomfy, angry or scared deeper than you previously have and see if/how your feelings on the scenario change!
Let me know what you experience and discover!!
xoxo,
Lily ❤
LilyInteractive 
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