Now, I can’t get too specific because while I promise I did read and absorb every single one of those books (and had even read the bell hooks beforehand), I did not have my highlighters and pens on stand by to annotate them, so while I still have intentions of doing exactly that, I also have a word-count and a deadline to meet so we have to be selective on what we are touching on here today and maybe we can come back for a deeper dive at a later date. For this post, though (with the exception of the following paragraph), I would appreciate the leniency to make sweeping statements in reference to my collective sources – literature based or otherwise. I am not exactly what one would consider a trusted or academic source so I am sure we will all survive and cope adequately with this request.
If you are after a specific quote or source info you can DM or leave a comment I do still have autism and I did not set the books on fire I just hate the tedium of referencing 🙂
There were a few things I found really valuable while getting through my pile of books, for example, I really liked the pyramid of slutphobia and whorephobia from Dr Caldwell and I will absolutely be incorporating that into my future discussions and pieces of writing on various relevant topics. I also recognise and acknowledge the irreplaceable insight of Laura Bates’ first hand experiences via her undercover account to the problem of Incels at the expense of her own mental health and as someone who did almost the exact same thing with less formal guidance, I can only hope queen is sleeping okay!
There were also a few common links I found concerning for lack of a better term, every single one of these books identified sex as one of the root causes of violent misogyny. It is clearly underlined time and time again that men feel entitled to abuse and murder almost half of the population due to the simple fact that they feel they should be having more sex. When directly comparing this to what I have heard and experienced about Misandrist women I am already at a loss.
It doesn’t matter what angle you look at this from, whether it is sex on a surface level and you believe that Horny Men who think they are being denied pleasure are the root of all evil or whether you are looking at sex and rape as a tool of power and oppression and Scared Men who are perceiving a loss of power are the root of all evil, women misandrist or otherwise are just not that dramatic or violent about it.
Take the 4B movement for example.
https://pulitzercenter.org/stories/world-without-men
To summarise for those who are not link clickers: the 4B movement is a political movement based in South Korea where increasingly large numbers of women are completely boycotting sexual, romantic, and other interactions with men as a collective response to their misogynistic mistreatment that they feel has become embedded into their society and culture.
I was introduced to this movement through a hateful rant from a boy in one of my workshops last semester, he was a self-proclaimed fan of Andrew Tate and I would not have been shocked to find him on any of the Incel forums I had found in the past, he suggested that this was Misandry staking it’s claim and that if the men of South Korea gave into the demands of respect from their female counterparts it would be an embarrassment to the whole nation- rather than the fact the women of the country have started completely boycotting their male counterparts out of necessity being a bit shame and embarrassing in the first place.
I return to thinking about it now in this context because if this is what is viewed as Misandry by those who are most using the term, I am either convinced it still does not exist or that they do not actually know what that word means.
Men murdering and raping women on a daily basis to try and regain power that they may never actually have had instead of taking a moment to recognise their true feelings and social conditioning in regards to the situation does feel a lot like misogyny to me.
Women coming together to resist a global culture that has become so entrenched in ignoring their voices and needs, that men are viewing them as nothing more than a scapegoat for everything that is wrong with the world at best and a sex toy without autonomy at worst without anyone feeling like that is wrong, does not feel like misandry to me.
I have been lucky enough to always have access to sex with another party should I desire it; and have always been more than satisfied enough on my own, anyway. Masturbation was not something I knew I was supposed to carry shame around until I was old enough to know how to give myself a better orgasm than anyone else can, so I have also been lucky enough to avoid the problems that can arise from that. I lost my virginity in a completely ‘normal’ and stereotypically awkward fashion with one of my high-school girlfriends and shame around my sexuality was always more based around being hate-crimed for existing rather than the sex act itself. I would even go so-far as to argue that even though I have experimented with men as an adult, my initial lack of consideration for them in my self-discovery was what gave me the confidence to know what I do and don’t like in the bedroom, and to initiate necessary conversation and boundary setting with most sexual partners.
This is not to say I don’t have bad sex but my best sex has definitely been when we have left the Patriarchy at the door, and my worst sex has been when there is an imaginary (or real) man in the room.
Even though I am sexually active to the point the only two things you could not fairly describe me as in this world would be dishonest or a prude, underneath the topic of sex the topic of virginity as a motivating cause for men to commit misogynistic hate crimes and acts of abuse was just as common, so I spoke to some of my virgin friends about how their virginity makes them feel.
This ended up being a group of about 10 people aged 18-35 split evenly between gender, but all still identified themselves as virgins.
(I felt that self-identification was important because I don’t believe in the concept of virginity and I don’t think penetrative sex should be the marker for losing said virginity so I wanted to allow room for varied ideas of what sex and having that for the first time means to people)
Some of these people were more comfortable with the idea of remaining a virgin than others.
6 of them viewed it as a choice because they were waiting for marriage, or another form of committed loving relationship to feel safe enough to trust their body with another person for the first time and any discomfort they expressed was towards hookup culture or boundary pushing people who can’t understand their point of view on the matter and want to rush them into getting it over and done with.
I was not so much interested in them as I was the final 4 who did not view their virginity as a choice, and had just not developed enough intimacy and confidence with another person yet or had an appropriate opportunity arise with present partners.
There were self-deprecating complaints and justifications and even specific situational anecdotes that brought up unpleasant feelings about their status as virgins and the connotations it can sometimes carry, there was also relief at scenarios avoided and lessons learnt through observation and avoidance. Many varied, emotionally intense, thought-provoking, and honest statements were shared but not a single one of these 10 virgins expressed a desire to kill or maim any singular person or group of people that they identified as the sole cause of their virginity or some sort of omnipotent cockblock that was, in their view, conspiring to reject their sexual advances specifically.
So why do so many incels and misogynists view sex (or lack thereof) as the reason for both their ideologies and the rise of misandry?
I could not tell you for certain but another common link between my chosen books was the emphasising of discussion and conversation as the solution to the cause, which I only had minor issue with. It is true that conversations work (we can see this quite clearly in the case of my two male friends mentioned earlier), and I am constantly advocating for open and honest discussion as a tool for change in all sorts of different life areas. We are already having countless conversations in the realm of gender based violence and lots of meaningful and impactful work is being done towards improvement and change. The ‘What were you wearing’ movement and it’s digital presence alone have encouraged dialogue and an openness to education I would not have expected from some of the older or more closed off people in my life.
I have utilised the content they create or reshare on numerous occassions from explaining to drunk boyfriends at house parties ‘why women just don’t go to the police’ or to get the ball rolling when I have identified straight women around me who could use some help with the grey areas of consent. I do think sometimes the conversations we are having, or identifying as the ones that need to be had are missing the mark just a little. Within the covers of the books I read in preparation for this post it was suggested that change could be made on an individual level and that conversing with our inner circle about the treatment of women will prevent the next generation of inceldom. While change absolutely can be made on an individual level, and we need to consistently be discussing with those around us our political ideologies and hopes for the future, the boat on this issue and a lot of other issues being solved on a level as small as the butterfly effect of a personal yarn with a colleague, feels a bit naive to me.
It feels naive to me for multiple reasons but largely it is the assumption that Misogyny and the abuse women endure is firstly; a stand-alone issue that remains separable from the issues of Patriarchal Cultures, Colonisation, Capitalism, Education etc. and secondly; that the issue is still small enough to be tackled from a grassroots level without any intervention from those in power or a tearing down and redesign of the whole system.
If every single country in the world is experiencing an uprising of men who terrorise and abuse women, and the systems that they are doing this in not only allow but enable and support them to do so, it is not fair to expect the burden to fall on women to have educational conversations with them in the hopes of change when they either know exactly what they are doing (and therefore a conversation will have no impact) or there is the possibility they will feel attacked and we will lose another woman as a consequence of a bruised ego and commitment to ignorance. I would say to let the responsibility of discussion fall to the government but they have shown repeatedly with no signs of slowing down that they are happy to let women die and lose access to their basic human rights at alarming rates in exchange for some power and attention, and a few distracting tragedies to keep people too oppressed to uprise and revolt. Blood means nothing to most elected governments as long as it not theirs and as long as it is translating into money.
If you can get men to have conversations with men, I think these would be more impactful and something that men who aren’t too deeply indoctrinated would respond to with less homicide and hopefully more listening than they grace women with. People who share the same ideologies can sit and chat all day, but only a White man is going to convince other White Men to see differing perspectives and ideologies while not sharing the same values as each other. That is if you can get them to be honest with each other. This observation comes from Autism more so than Lesbianism but I think a lot of chances for change and education get wasted by neurotypical pleasantries like an aversion to direct and honest statements, so while we might be having conversations we are not having them authentically or to the depth required, and then remain confused as to why nothing has resulted from them. Don’t be afraid to be blunt with the people you love, it may make them take you more seriously or resolve minor miscommunication issues. Otherwise, I think the best collective change we are going to have is a revolution and changing of power which would be a better use of the time of minority communities than endless circular educational discussions in rooms where people don’t want to learn. In my humble opinion.
In conclusion, the moral panic on Misandry is a load of shit and in reality is more often than not used to reference women exercising our recently acquired and already under threat equity or a woman who has every right to be assertive and angry towards men who have overstepped her boundaries or harmed her and if there are any genuine Misandrists out there (which, admittedly, I could be!) there are by no means enough of them to be afflicting the systemic levels of trauma that women have already been experiencing for generations upon men. Perhaps some misandry would be good for everyone, if a few men in power knew what it was like to genuinely experience oppression they might be less worried about the oppression they are already deluded to be suffering. Good luck ladies!
My brain is very tired and I’m sure yours is too, thank you for making it all the way to the end of this hefty read and as usual I look forward to hearing all your thoughts in my DMs! Next week I think we are all going to be a bit dead between my misandry inspired acts of terrorism and half of you doing mid-sem exams so I am thinking I might just review some music for my blog next week – chuck your email in the subscription box below if that’s something you’d want to read or if you just want to see if i keep my word 🙂 It will let you know the next-time I post without having to endure the instagram story spam I put you through to get here otherwise. I have also given you guys the comment box back, because I know I have been gatekeeping you all from each other and from my writing for 2 decades, but I am trying to not do that all the time anymore and I do genuinely enjoy hearing all your feedback and opinions so I am tentatively giving you an avenue outside of the DMs to share them again. I think a few of you would get along really well personally, creatively and even professionally if you could manage to find each other…maybe my comment section could be where that happens
❤ see ya later, Lily
LilyInteractive 
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